Pizza for Dinner
Tuesday, March 30, 2010|
Saturday, March 06, 2010
meg's gulf stream
I feel like I must be going against the flow of my life. Some things don't feel right. What feels right isn't working out. I know me, I know what I want I just need to wait for the opportunity to take it. Catch the right wave, as it were. I hope I see it when it comes along. What's the difference in fighting for what you want and struggling hopelessly against what is your fate and right? Is that even possible to see from the inside?
Thursday, March 04, 2010
me me me
I've shed the things that have stopped me from being me for a while now, nearly 6 months. It's interesting to me to see who has noticed, who hasn't and who's in the middle. And for the people who have noticed some changes in me what are the ones they've zeroed in on and which ones do they turn a blind eye to. It says more about the other people than me, I think. People see what they want to see regardless of what's there. I've known that for quite some time, I think my first ex helped with that revelation. I do love people watching and amateur soc/psych though. All the women at work who complain about making a sandwich for their kids or whatnot, telling me I'm lucky to be alone in the world. The people who haven't updated their megpage since they met me. (Refresh!) The classic example would be parents who treat their kids as children long after they've grown up. It shows what they're really afraid of or prioritizing. What they need to feel good about themselves.
It's a shame more people haven't seen me as I am, for everything I'm putting out there. It's really a shame when it affects my life. When my boss won't see I work overtime, for example. I really try not to do this to other people. I try to see as much as I can, as what's out there.
In my mind this is linked to dating as well, since I think I have so much more to offer than the average person but have such difficulties with men. I've tried finding someone in person, online, everything that seems reasonable. It's hard for so many reasons. Lately I spent several months on chemistry.com which I would not recommend. Nor would I recommend eharmony.com after talking with my brother. Chemistry puts you through hoops of stating your preferences with priority to find someone with similar interests and temperment, and, presumably, within a reasonable radius. Essentially chemistry could not find more than a handful or so reasonable matches for me on the northern half of the eastern seaboard. Really. And my brother had worse luck on eharmony if such a thing is imaginable. I know a lot of people have this experience. I hope to find someone but I'm not going to bank my happiness on it.
I do appreciate the people who have seen, or even just read via email, the changes in me. Well, not changes really. I just took off a damaged veneer to show myself. I appreciate my friends a great deal and hope that they know that even when we're both too busy to keep in touch as we'd like.