Pizza for Dinner
Thursday, March 04, 2010
me me me
I've shed the things that have stopped me from being me for a while now, nearly 6 months. It's interesting to me to see who has noticed, who hasn't and who's in the middle. And for the people who have noticed some changes in me what are the ones they've zeroed in on and which ones do they turn a blind eye to. It says more about the other people than me, I think. People see what they want to see regardless of what's there. I've known that for quite some time, I think my first ex helped with that revelation. I do love people watching and amateur soc/psych though. All the women at work who complain about making a sandwich for their kids or whatnot, telling me I'm lucky to be alone in the world. The people who haven't updated their megpage since they met me. (Refresh!) The classic example would be parents who treat their kids as children long after they've grown up. It shows what they're really afraid of or prioritizing. What they need to feel good about themselves.
It's a shame more people haven't seen me as I am, for everything I'm putting out there. It's really a shame when it affects my life. When my boss won't see I work overtime, for example. I really try not to do this to other people. I try to see as much as I can, as what's out there.
In my mind this is linked to dating as well, since I think I have so much more to offer than the average person but have such difficulties with men. I've tried finding someone in person, online, everything that seems reasonable. It's hard for so many reasons. Lately I spent several months on chemistry.com which I would not recommend. Nor would I recommend eharmony.com after talking with my brother. Chemistry puts you through hoops of stating your preferences with priority to find someone with similar interests and temperment, and, presumably, within a reasonable radius. Essentially chemistry could not find more than a handful or so reasonable matches for me on the northern half of the eastern seaboard. Really. And my brother had worse luck on eharmony if such a thing is imaginable. I know a lot of people have this experience. I hope to find someone but I'm not going to bank my happiness on it.
I do appreciate the people who have seen, or even just read via email, the changes in me. Well, not changes really. I just took off a damaged veneer to show myself. I appreciate my friends a great deal and hope that they know that even when we're both too busy to keep in touch as we'd like.
Labels: lessons, people watching
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
say when
The well is poisoned, the earth salted. Perceptions are made not broken. It's time for change if I can actually make it.
Labels: lessons
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Reality of life
I've had a lot of personal development lately. It's something I'm happy about and proud of. In American culture we're brought up believing hard work will get you the stars. Anyone can be president or an astronaut, everyone has a true love they'll meet in some romantic circumstance. It's a load of crap. I feel foolish for not having really accepted this earlier, cynical as I am, but it was so ingrained in me that trying hard and doing the right thing leads to your dreams that I haven't accepted this until now. Simple dreams can be out of reach even if you do everything right. On the other hand you can do everything wrong and still have more than you deserve (see reality TV). I don't mean to take any accomplishments away from people who have earned them, this whole post is on a general level. I am certainly impressed by the friends I have.
It's freeing to realize this. It sounds like it should be depressing but it's not. I have few expectations so I'm able to be content with what I have. I'm not happy with my career but I can go there every day and not be completely miserable. I can appreciate people that I care about who care about me even when they hurt me. It still hurts, but I'm not going to expect perfection from people.
I will still be me, I will still do my best. I will still care about the people I care about totally even knowing they may not return the sentiments the same way or as much. That's just how things go, people will do what they want to do.
I think I'm amazing. I think I'm above average in most ways (clearly the most important ones). I think I'm intelligent, funny, sweet, fun to talk to, easy to be around, sexy, reliable, interesting. I think I'm good at my job, much better than some people around me. I try hard to be the best I can and fix my faults. I know I can be hard to get to know, I'm shy and reserved at heart. I'm trying to not let that happen as much.
I still get frustrated sometimes and don't understand things. It's still new to me. I can accept that at work my age and marital status will come up every week but I'm not exactly ok with it. I think I perform better than I get credit for because people look at me and see 'the new girl' even though I've been doing my job longer and better than the expert resource they turn to. I don't see why the fact that I'm unmarried has anything to do with my job or maturity. And I'm offended by women who say I'm lucky to live alone because they have to make 2 extra lunches in the morning and pick up socks from the living room. I think a loving family is a good thing and don't understand these stereotypical women. I'm fine on my own but I am on my own. There's no one to take care of me when I'm sick. I can't switch cars with my husband if mine is having trouble. I have to do everything for myself.
I'm not passive-aggressive, nagging, shrill, I don't use sex as a bargaining tool, I take care of my appearance, I don't ask stupid questions to hear myself talk, I don't point out problems and insist someone else solve them, I'm not so girly I make a commotion over a fart, I don't insist on my way all the time, I'm not two-faced or manipulative or anything I would call bitchy. Maybe I'm a bitch because I point out that the sweet woman who wouldn't hurt a fly is a two-faced manipulative bitch. I feel like this stereotype---maybe not all of those qualities in one person but that type of woman---is the woman most people are comfortable with, the expected woman. The woman who will move forward at work and fall into having a family. The woman who is seen as strong and a leader somehow. I feel I'm easy to be with, I don't nag, I certainly love sex, I might be girly in some ways but I also enjoy sports and know how to work a drill. I'm not going to make a meeting run 30 minutes over or make a project miss its goal so I can do things my way and point out problems everyone sees but offer no solutions.
I don't get it but I am who I am and I'm happy with who I am.
Labels: lessons
