Coming clean
I've been keeping this semi quiet because it's personal and self-pitying but I think it's time to be open for healing purposes. It's probably not a big surprise but I'm depressed and have been for about a year and a half. I'm working on it and I'm getting better and I have a lot of good times but it's there and completely related to the events of my life.

A few months ago I read an NYT magazine interview with Sarah Silverman in which she said that in her childhood she was depressed and described it as feeling homesick even though she was home. This is exactly how I've felt and described it in the past when my life was difficult. This time is different though. This time I am comfortable with me. I have flaws but I work at them and I feel like I'm me, if that makes sense. I like my friends and hobbies and I like me. But this time I sometimes want to be me in someone else's life.

The problem is that I'm watching almost all my friends either get PhDs or their dream job, get married, have kids, buy a house, have supportive families, or some combination, and I don't understand why I don't have that. Or why if I will have those things it's going to take so much longer. What's my bad karma? It's not that I'm at all holding this against my friends. My friends are the reason I'm not worse off today and I can't express how grateful I am for that. I don't want anyone to temper their happiness because of me. I just don't understand why my good news is really often more of a lack of negative news.

I'm getting better but it's hard when I'm manipulated or used as a source of self esteem. Invisible. Not seen as the person I am today. Seen as less interesting than people who are the type to think they're wild and crazy for staying up until 1am or have really important opinions on their hair. Seen as not carrying my weight when I'm doing more than my share of the work. Told my opinions are wrong, not different. Lots of people do these things so I know I'm not alone but it just hurts more now because of everything else. When I should calmly say, Excuse me I am in the room and speaking and am offended that you have forgotten that, I may just retreat and be quiet. Or snappily tell someone their opinion is wrong despite their imaginary superceding qualifications. Mature, I know. Some frequent offenders will never see their culpability and it'd only make it worse to say or show I'm offended but that's just my reaction sometimes. And really I don't know how to deal with frequent offenders.

I know this is not unique to me. And no one's perfect. But I just want to be seen for who I am and appreciated when I am deserving, just like anyone else. Thank you to everyone who does this already.

Labels: sad panda

- posted by meg @ 4:33 PM

 
The non decision
Google ads will creep me out now and then when I inevitable forget that they're there until it pops up with something right on the money. The quotes and links at the top of my gmail, however, have never been so accurate before. Today I had this link/quote from the Duke basketball coach: "The truth is that many people set rules to keep from making decisions." Has this ever been accurate for me the last year and a half (I mean, it's always happened to me but lately, wow). People who have no idea who they are or what they're doing, no clue that they're the pot to someone's kettle. Or are so good at denial that they might as well not know. Whatever they're doing is perfect, everyone else is wrong if there's a problem. I'm the most interesting. Me, me, me, me, me. This is vexing and frightening if, for example, someone cuts you off and then waves as if to say, don't worry, you're fine. You have your moment of wishing someone would cut them off and do the same condescending gesture, complain about it and move on. But if the person's actions screw with your life or they're someone you care about then it's way more tough.

This is not to say that people can't make mistakes, of course not. That's what people do. But I think I act like myself and act responsibly and live my life instead of following a blueprint. (Why are the people so dependent on following a blueprint or having someone else make their decision or make a non decision and call it fate always the most arrogant?) I just wish more people could do the same.

Labels: sad panda

- posted by meg @ 4:42 PM